True Life Divorce Journey

In Ireland, going through a divorce can be like preparing for a marathon and certainly does not happen overnight.  My personal Divorce Journey was over a 4.5-year period, in and out of Family Divorce Court.  

Several years ago, I was stuck in a cycle of suspended family court hearings and trying to remain hopeful of a settlement so that my daughter, who was six at the time, and I could be set free. I have always been strong and resilient, however, one decision in a court meeting room on a cold, dark winter afternoon led me on a personal discovery journey like no other.  On that afternoon, in a will to restore peace into the family home during the school week, I agreed to moving out of my home every Friday afternoon to Monday afternoon so that my estranged spouse would move out Monday to Thursday.  An agreement was drawn up there and then which led me to moving into my mother’s home with my daughter every weekend. At the time it was meant to be for 2 to 3 months.  The reality lasted for two years!   

Leaving the court that evening, I was filled with mixed emotions.  On the one hand, I was excited knowing we were to have the family home to ourselves during the week which would restore some much-needed normality during the school and working week.  It afforded us great peace and comfort knowing the daily hassle during homework and evening meals would no longer happen.  On the flip side, this newly afforded serenity did not prepare us for the weekly upheaval of packing our bags to move out every weekend.  Trying to remember sports gear, ballet uniforms and what to wear for the kid’s party on a particular weekend was draining and extremely hard to get my head around at the start.  I felt hard done by and downtrodden.

As time went on my daughter was starting to react to leaving her friends behind each weekend.  I knew I had to bury my emotions, put everything else aside and focus on keeping her happy, healthy, and stable during this period while we inched forward to the finishing line.

Attitude of Gratitude

At the start of that “moving in and out” journey, I was incredibly grateful for my mother’s generosity, her cosy home, the bonding experience between the three generations, feeling safe and having respite from the negative tension and put downs. I was grateful for recognising how wonderful my childhood locality was and for having the opportunity over two years to fall in love with the place again. I was grateful to be able to show my daughter around all my favourite places and to have her sleep in my childhood bedroom.  Whenever I felt down about leaving my family home on an upcoming weekend, I took out the list of things I was grateful for.

Today, I am grateful for

1. My mother and her generosity.
2. The cosy second home that was opened to us.
3. Exploring my family neighbourhood.
4. Three generations bonding.
5. Doing up my childhood bedroom for my daughter.
6. Respite.
7. My wonderful friends.
8. My challenging job and supporting work colleagues.
9. My caring siblings.
10. My competent and supportive legal team.

Mantras are Magic

As the weeks went into months and the months progressed towards years, the uncertainty of our future was overwhelming at times, so I needed to dig deep.  I practiced a mantra of “this too will pass” and reminded myself as much as possible that nothing lasts forever. Both good times and unhappy times pass, so focus on the here and now to create the future.

Mantras may seem too “hippy dippy” for some and more of a “female thing” however the repetition of positive thoughts has a powerful effect on our mindset.  Some of my favourites while living through a Divorce were:

• I will let go of the things I cannot control.
• My greatest struggles are my greatest lessons.
• I give myself permission to go after what I want in life.
• I deserve to love and be loved.
• I have the power to choose how I think, feel and act.

Whilst we may find it hard to believe our statements at first, through daily repetition our subconscious will start to believe, and this is when the magic happens!  Try it, it works!

Hold onto your Vision!

In moments of despair, my imagination kicked in to save me. 

I learnt quickly that using my imagination to trick myself into thinking I was heading away, instead of the painful reality of moving out of my home every week, was not only raising my vibrations but creating my future!  

While packing every Thursday night to move to my Mother’s, I would imagine that I was going on a weekend away. Some weeks it would be a fancy city break with my friends, some weeks it would be a family break with my daughter and other weekends it would be a romantic break with a loving partner. 

I would put real colour into these thoughts and get carried away with where I was going that weekend and who I was going to spend time with.  I embraced this jet setting imagination further by buying myself and my daughter lovely bags to pack.  Although we did not have much during this time in terms of new things, our lovely compact cases made us feel special and tricked us into believing we were jetting off! 

Some of my closest friends knew of my situation and my imagination and would ask “Where are you off to this weekend?” as if they were jealous!

Once through the Divorce, these visions became reality over time, and the well-used cases were brought on real-life journeys.   See it, believe it, live it.

Time Matters

At that time, I had to hand over my daughter every weekend from 10 am to 6pm both Saturday AND Sunday.  Although arrangements were broken a lot, the pain of this was immense.  Up to this point, we had done everything together and it was like my right arm was missing.  I knew I needed to inject quality time in wherever possible.

We went out early, 8.00am every Saturday and Sunday, into nature for long walks, surrounded by beautiful views and breathing in fresh air.  We finished up with chats about our future together over hot chocolate and coffee before I dropped her off.

We looked forward to these four hours of focussed time together that we may not have valued as much, if we were we not forced to be apart.

Quality time was key during this period. We used the time we had to bond with my Mother over mealtimes and her favourite TV shows #strictlycomedancing!

Separation into Success

Being away from my daughter was so painful every weekend so I learned to embrace the time I had by getting back into shape and getting productive.  Instead of focussing on what I couldn’t get done at weekends away from home, I started to bring the weeks ironing over every weekend and watching inspiring Ted Talks #estherhicks, #brenebrown #simonsine

I got busy to distract and I learnt a lot about myself and what I wanted from the future along the way.

Acceptance is Your Answer

Over time, I used to meet friends and used this time to clear the clutter from my Mother’s home where I grew up. I made it our home from home, and I was extremely grateful to be able to do so. 

This was also where we moved to temporarily after the divorce when our marital home was sold, until we found our beautiful new home where we enjoy today!

My Main Points of Learning to pass on:

1. Your imagination is powerful and can create your future happiness,
2. Being present and really owning your days is the key to success,
3. Fear only fuels more fear and anxiety, flip that fear into love to take control of your future.

Your Key Takeaway

Use your imagination to create the future you want. Your thoughts matter, use them positively.

I have many years experience of coaching others in their personal development, and I am passionate about supporting others who may be on a similar journey, or fearful of their future, please reach out to me to arrange a free introductory consultation or email me at sarah@satreecoaching.ie