Recurring Story
With many of the clients I have coached over the years, I have come across common themes of feeling stuck, in fear of the future and life happening to them. They have lost their power. These “Divorce” Clients are referred to me as I have survived the endurance test that is often the case with the lengthy legal process in Ireland.
These clients often meet me at their lowest and although everyone’s journey is different, I often hear similar concerns:
- I have no say in the process, it’s all one-sided.
- She gets it all her own way.
- He won’t let me live there after we Divorce.
- He is accusing me of things I never said or did.
- She expects me to pay for everything.
- I can’t afford to run two households.
This list goes on with recurring themes as we all have similar needs.
Developing Coping Skills
When we are going through any relationship breakdown it is all consuming. The emotional hurt is a battle and then we must navigate through a legal battle against someone we are often still living with. The myriad of emotions is like a tsunami at the start of the legal journey. Promises of keeping it clean and fair often go out the window when the legal teams are engaged. Our legal partners are usually needed and hold us through paperwork and court dates however their role is to get you the best deal and not to look after your emotional health.
Prior to the Divorce Papers, you may have been the strongest and most resilient person around, however, none of us are taught how to navigate the rollercoaster of emotions that come with a relationship breakdown, often while trying to raise a family and hold down a job.
From experience, my main recommendation is don’t go it alone. Having an experienced, objective view is worth its weight in gold. I was blessed with the tools from being trained in Life and Business Coaching and I still invested in Coaching to keep my emotions in balance over those challenging years. It kept me stable, strong and made me a better mother and negotiator.
See the Wood from The Trees
Engaging a Coach with experience in the full process will quickly help you to:
- Understand What You Want
- Find Your Voice
- Ensure You Are Heard
Understand What You Want
Rarely in life do we take time to focus on what we genuinely want from life. In our youth we are busy building our careers, having fun, and finding love with the hope to live happily ever after! If we are then faced with starting over, we have the painful process of facing single life again and often with children to raise.
The Coaching process will uncover your fears and will ask the right questions to get you to a place of designing your future wish list.
This Wish List may seem out of reach but narrowing this down to your non-negotiables is key in the process.
Your Coach is invested in you in a different way to all the other Cheer Leaders you have in your life. Your friends and family mean so well, but everyone’s marriage and divorce are different. Your Coach will have the objective viewpoint that will hold up the mirror to you.
Find Your Voice
Typically, there is usually a more dominant partner in any relationship, or at the very least a more outspoken one. The more introverted among us find it more difficult to express their point of view. Solicitors and Barristers are with us at various points of our journey to guide us on what looks like the likely outcome.
Like with any major life events, everyone has an opinion so it is crucial that you can speak up.
There are so many decisions to make when going our separate ways that often the loudest voice will get the most.
Your coach will support you and help to bring out your confidence to voice your opinion.
Where you will live, whether you need to move the kids from school, access arrangements and festive events may all need to be agreed.
Making sure you are heard
Knowing what you want to say and having the opportunity to get listened to can be a challenge. Emotional states are heightened so the best way to ensure you are heard is to learn tools that balance your emotions. Removing these emotions and sticking to the hard facts will move you forward far quicker that getting into repeated, heated exchanges with your estranged spouse.
When your ex-partner sees you showing up with confidence, knowing what you want and not engaging in battles, the dynamics will shift. He / she will soon see that they can no longer push your buttons and therefore are more likely to engage more reasonably in the process.
Your legal team will also appreciate the more balanced emotional state. Your answers will be more precise and to the point and it will be far easier to fight your case.
Remaining in your Personal Power
Now that you know what you want, have found your voice and mastered being heard, you now need to retain your Personal Power.
Here are my top tips for staying centered and coping with all that the Divorce journey throws at you:
- Establish Healthy Boundaries
Establishing Healthy boundaries are a must for all our personal and working relationships. If we allow others to mistreat us or take advantage of our good natures, or our time, we can’t expect anything to change.
Simple ways to keep our boundaries protected:
- Saying no more often
- Managing your time
- Being less available
- Don’t waste energy complaining:
Complaining can become a habit or a state of mind when we are unhappy with our situation. Negative thoughts deplete our energy levels which we need to keep high, especially when we are actively managing change.
- Give Unproductive Thoughts a Time Limit:
When we are coming out of a relationship it can be a struggle sometimes not to wonder what the other person is up to or what they might get up to. This stage of a relationship requires us to stay in our own lane and focus on ourselves. If you have moments where you need to ponder unproductive thoughts, set an alarm for 5, 10 or 15 minutes and distract yourself out of these thoughts once the alarm goes off: Play loud music, Sing or Dance, Go for a walk, Run or cycle, Clean the house. Do whatever it takes to take you away from these thoughts. They do not serve you well.
- Make Self-Worth about what you value:
The single most important shift in my personal journey was learning to live life my way, without worrying about opinions from others. Through personal development and coaching, I understood that Self-worth is an internal state of being that comes from self-understanding, self-love and self-acceptance. This state is unchanging because it’s a direct measure of how you value and regard yourself in spite of what others may say or do. This will set you free!
The Divorce journey, no matter how amicable or acrimonious it is, will take its toll on anyone during or after the process. It is crucial not to go it alone and to learn the skills you need to navigate the minefield that is often ahead.
Having lived and worked through an acrimonious divorce, I am passionate about supporting others through their journey to get them on the track for an amicable process, to enjoy life again by taking your Power Back!
Find out more by booking your free introductory consultation or contact me here.