Lockdowns with loved ones 

There is no doubt that the Covid Lockdowns have taken their toll on all relationships, not just with our significant others.  We are not designed or used to being in the same environment day in day out, let alone with the same people. Add into the mix, nothing opened outside of the house apart from the Supermarket and this leads to a very frustrated atmosphere. Relationship troubles are inevitable when any of us spend too much time together.

At your wits end

By mid-2020, I was getting used to hearing a familiar story on repeat: mainly men and women, at their wits end, their focus firmly on their spouses.

He is always around…

 She keeps asking me where I am going….

 He insists on working at the kitchen table and I have to listen to him on work calls….

Her work stuff is everywhere, and I cannot concentrate…

Irritations rise to the surface

Little irritations that we let slide in the past seem to keep bubbling up.  Arguments increased as tolerance levels went down.  The majority that I spoke with started telling me how awful their spouse was to live with since lockdown.  How he never helps, or she never stops shopping online.  How he is pulling her up on everything and how she wants to know everything he is doing.

In a lot of cases, the wounded spouse presents to me as feeling as if they have had enough.  “She” was an emotional wreck from the arguments.  “He” was angry about all the money being wasted, especially during these times when the future economy was so uncertain.

Safe space to open up

My role, as Coach, is to provide a safe environment for my client to feel comfortable to open up.  During these cases, my proven approach was to engage the client on focusing on what was in their control i.e., they were unable to escape the environment for long, with everything shut down, so they would need to work on themselves.

Often, this is last thing we want to hear when we have put so much energy into being annoyed or upset about someone else.  When we are frustrated with things not going our way, we are all very quick to point the finger of blame.

If we are truly assured that our loved ones are not making any effort and we are 100% blameless then perhaps we need to look at moving on.  However, if we have room to improve, and let’s be honest we all have, here are my tried and tested methods to get to a happier place …together or eventually apart…

Women are from Venus and Men are from Mars!

If I am to generalise about the genders, a female will often be coming from a place of hurt whereas the male will more likely be coming from an angry stance, born out of emotional frustration.  Neither are better or worse, both are highly emotional states and do not serve us well when trying to engage in mature dialogue with each other.

My overall goal is to move my clients from a place of hurt or anger to operating from a lighter place of love.  When making a conscious effort to see everything in this state, we are operating from a different part of our brains where we are naturally calmer, rational and in a better place to listen.

Humility

Uncertainty

Rejection

Trust

When we are the “Hurt” party in the relationship we often feel unheard, out of balance in terms of our power and inferior to our partner.  When we are faced with an angry response, our feelings are rejected and a breakdown in trust develops.  It is difficult to engage in a conversation when feeling like this as our emotions are in a heightened state and therefore, we do not easily hear.

Anxious

Negative

Grudge

Excuses

Resentment

If we experience a buildup of anger when we fall out with our partners, we often get ourselves into an anxious state and fall into a pattern of negative thinking and responses.  This often triggers our “hurt” partner and leads the angry party to holding grudges, making excuses for his behaviour and overall, he has a feeling of resentment as he cannot get his point across or “fix” the problem.

Cheer up, it can’t be that bad!

When coaching either party to operate from a place of “Love”, I am not suggesting that we all fix a fake smile on our faces and pretend everything is perfect.

All healthy relationships need a bit of conflict to clear the air.  For this, healthy communication is required.  At some stage, we all need some guidance on how to get a relationship back on track.

Easier to love than to hate

Therefore, I encourage my clients to consciously observe their emotional state, take time with this and shift the energy of hurt or anger into LOVE:

Lighten up,

Open up,

Vulnerable with each other,

Engage with one another.

All we need is love, right?  Think about how different we feel when are in love, light, happy and positive.  We can decide to lighten up, clear our minds in whatever ways works e.g., a brisk walk, a jog, a swim, or a cycle.  These are all great ways to break an emotional state and to lighten our moods.

When we feel lighter, we naturally feel more inclined to open up as we are now more relaxed.  When in this calm state we are more receptive to rational thinking and our ears open to active listening.

If disagreements have not been fully aired, we can feel vulnerable, and this often makes us uncomfortable. When my clients start to feel this, I encourage more of this, as being vulnerable in a relationship means we are willing to allow our partners to fully know us: our weaknesses, how we think, feel and what challenges us.  Feeling vulnerable is scary as we can have the fear of being judged however if we fully go there, we feel known, accepted for who we are, supported and absolutely loved.   This is how true intimacy can be achieved.

As a result of feeling Lighter, more Open, and getting used to being Vulnerable, all that is left to complete the LOVE technique is to actively Engage.

Engage Constructively

Avoid rushing in, it is vital to ensure we organise our thoughts to avoid entering into another battle.

I always recommend writing it all out in a letter, this way we can speak freely without interruption. Also, it can be beneficial to give this to our partner if we are afraid that we will not get all our thoughts and feelings out.

Another important aspect is to meet away from where you live, away from your kids / flat mates or from anyone that may distract from your conversation.  Schedule a time to meet in a neutral meeting place ,such as in a park.  The fresh air helps, and others around will deter from any loud or heated exchanges building up.

Set some parameters in advance, such as:

1. One person speaking at one time, no speaking over each other.
2. Both parties to outline:

• • This is what I feel happened.
  • This is how it made me feel.
  • Your response made me feel like this.

Agreement Time

• Avoid getting into the argument again.
• Agree to disagree.
• Agree to take accountability for actions e.g., overspending / not spending enough quality time together etc.

I have witnessed this so called Covid Effect on relationships over the last twelve to eighteen months firsthand among my friends and clients.

When the cracks start to appear in our closet relationships, our natural first response it to look for something or someone to blame.

If we pause and take time to look at what these issues really are, we often find that our pain points have been present a long time, prior to the lockdown, and have been masked by our “always on” busy schedules.  When we have everything else in our lives cancelled and we are forced together for prolonged periods, we are more likely to focus on what is not right.

With some support and structure, this can easily be flipped to work our relationships into a much better place that will move us from hurt or anger to a more loving space.  Through this process, you will soon discover how loving and accepting ourselves for who we are and those for who they are, will be the biggest gift we can receive in life.

I would love to work with you to bring you to happier and healthier places in your current or future relationships.

If you find that any of this resonates with you, please reach out to me for a Free confidential consultation.