When faced with Divorce Papers your life turns into a long list of uncertainties from where will we live, to how often will I see my kids?  During this process uncertainty seems to be the only thing that is certain!

For many, this will be the first and perhaps the only time they will need to deal with a solicitor.  At the beginning, this can be very daunting however our solicitors and barristers are very well trained to guide us through the process. Having met with our legal team we do our best to build a rapport so that they understand us and our side of the events.  We feel a bit better after “coming out” so to speak and admitting our marriages have failed.

If we are the “Applicant” we are gung-ho and feeling keen to progress now that our legal advisor has been briefed.  The Divorce papers are served, the ball is rolling.

On the other hand, if we are the “Respondent” we may not be aware that our marriage breakdown has moved to a legal stance and getting our Divorce Papers is a real shock to the system.

After this has sunk in, we then must try to decipher what the documents mean, which is a whole new area for most of us.

The Respondent soon realises that they need legal representation also, so that ball is rolling and phase 1 of the Divorce is underway.

Denial

For the “Respondent”, as time passes, the next phase usually results in denial.  We have time to read and reread the Divorce Papers and we cannot understand how it has come to this.  Why would the person I loved so much do this to me?

During a breakup we experience similar loss as to when our close ones pass away.  Denial is a natural early phase of the loss of any loved one. It is a mechanism meant to protect us so that we can cope, and our brains do not take on more than we can handle emotionally.

Anger

You will recognise that you have moved phases when your mind allows you to start processing and low and behold you have a new emotion – anger!

How dare she treat me this way?  Who does he think he is, he was nothing before he met me!

Reality hits home at this stage as we start to process what our new lives might look like.  We must get our heads around splitting everything from Finances to festive holidays.  This can often be too painful to process and the anger boils. Again, this is a very normal phase of grieving the loss of any important relationship.  It is healthier to express it and release it rather than bottling it up.

Bargaining

The process of a Divorce in Ireland is a lengthy one and so the next phase kicks in when we have calmed down and our boiling bloods have had time to settle.  Now get ready to reverse and start tricking your brain into thinking “we can work this out”.  “We don’t have to go this route”.

These emotional tactics are what we use when we cannot face thinking about how our reality will look post-Divorce.  When our legal team have slowly made us realise that “she” won’t be punished by a Judge for leaving you for someone else or your kids might actually want to spend time with “him” even after how much he has hurt you.

Bargaining is the part of the grieving process that allows reality to slowly set in.

Depression

There is no getting away from the hurt we all feel when a we lose a loved one especially if we divorce and we didn’t want to.  The legal process is so hard to endure, particularly while dealing with the emotional pain and separation. It doesn’t matter how wealthy or even famous you may be we are all human and emotions must be dealt with.

This is the penultimate phase of the grieving process.  It is normal to feel sad about having to tell your kids and wider family that your marriage is over.  Equally, it is also normal to lack energy about thinking about moving on from your family and home.  No one else can feel this for you. If this state does not start to pass, it is wise to see your doctor to ensure it is not a prolonged event.

Acceptance

One day you will start to notice that you do not feel sad all the time.  You also are far less angry, and you have started to consider life after Divorce without feeling overwhelmed.

Acceptance is a real turning point in the grieving process that gives you a sense of freedom to experience a taste of hope for the future.

Getting the Right Help

We all go through these phases at different paces, so it is best not to rush it. Each stage is human nature and survival mode.  These Rollercoaster of Emotions are difficult to navigate alone.  Engaging a Personal Development or a Divorce Coach will really support you at different phases or each stage of the Grief Cycle.  Coaching was invaluable to me to keep me in the right mind frame for every stage of the acrimonious divorce I lived successfully through for nearly 5 years.

Information & Communication:

A Divorce Coach will have seen it all before and is therefore qualified to help you to understand the legal jargon and help you navigate the uncertainty of the legal process.  They will know what stage you are at and be able to manage the information you need at the appropriate times.

Emotional Support:

Trying to carry on with normal life is often too much when facing a Divorce.  A coach experienced in dealing with this, will listen to your pain points, focus you on a holistic plan for recovery and hold you accountable for carrying out that plan.

Guidance and Direction:

Looking after yourself first is key to your recovery and to starting again.  Your coach will guide you through how to master your emotions while dealing with your Ex and will prepare you for any legal discussions up to and including giving your evidence in court.

Key Takeaways

If we were able to rationally look at ourselves during each stage of the grieving process, life would be so much easier.  The hurt we must come through during this painful separation leads us through all of these phases.  If we look at “Denial”,  really we knew the relationship was in difficulty and the avoidance is often more about the shame it may bring to us.  The “Anger” can be coming from a place of the victim, poor me or why me?  “Bargaining” is again a form of avoidance where we are prepared to go back to the bad relationship rather than dealing with living apart. Our personal circumstances changing in such a dramatic way is bound to lead to sadness, so the quicker we can move to acceptance the easier it is for us to start to live a fuller life.

Learning to live mindfully, putting ourselves first to help others and to find joy in everyday events is what will help get things into perspective.  The old saying that everything happens for a reason is true and we often find ourselves living more balanced and happier lives post a Divorce.

I have lived through a successful Divorce and I am passionate about supporting others through a more peaceful and amicable process. I would love to work with you. Feel free to contact me and organise a consultation.