Relationship with Stress Audit

Over the years, when anything I considered stressful cropped up, I could favour any three of the following reactions:

• Over control
• Let it all go
• Ignore / deny

This was until I understood the importance of my relationship to stress.

Not enough emphasis is given to stress management from an early age. We might be blessed with zen parents, who responded wonderfully when a stressful situation arose, however, most of us encountered a mix of many reactions at home and school.

As a result, we often mimic what we learned at home and bring this with us into our adult relationships in the workplace and our adult homes. This can be so confusing to whoever is on the receiving end. If we mimic, we are likely to get triggered and react in a way that is not appropriate, which can be a minefield for those trying to deal with us.

Different Environments,  Different Response?

We can have different relationships with stress depending on our environment. For example, at work we may be expected to keep our s”*t together at all costs and so we go all “Army Major” to control the life out of everything.  This often goes badly, as we impact too many people and ultimately cause a breakdown in trust, leading to poor engagement over time.

In another environment, we may want to protect our feelings at all costs so we react by ignoring the problem at hand. Don’t rock the boat. Mustn’t upset the apple cart. The issue here is that every time a similar stressful situation arises, those around think you don’t care. They continue to behave unacceptably as nothing gets addressed.

If the thoughts of a stressful situation send us into a frenzy, we may go all “Elsa” from Frozen and “Let it go, let it go…” this is not a recommended reaction to repeat too often. Letting it all go on repeat earns us a reputation in our professional and personal lives. He’s not able for a successful relationship, no one is good enough. She will never progress to a senior level, she gives up too easily.
Unfairly, we walk around, often oblivious to this reputation, due to a lack of awareness on how to make stress our friend. To allow stress to work with us.

So How Do We Overcome These Reactions?

In all cases, learning how to respond versus reacting is key to a successful relationship with stress.

From dealing with ongoing stress in both my personal and professional life, I adapted a model to follow that quickly gets my head straight and back in the game.

My RESPOND Model is designed to give you trigger points that will quickly provide focus, get you out of stressful reactions and into more serene responses.

1. Reason with yourself

Address the fight or flight. Acknowledge it is there to protect in highly dangerous situations however this is not one of those times. Ask yourself, have I been here before? If yes, what did I do well? What did I learn from last time? If you have not experienced this before, ask yourself, how bad is this? What are the likely outcomes?

2. Educate yourself

Learn what  the stressor is. Is this going to impact you personally or professionally? Is this something that I can control e.g. Covid pandemic? Two answers A. No, and B, yes I can control how I respond. I can gather the facts at hand, to move forward.

3. Stop

Breathe to understand fully what’s going on. Take time out to allow yourself to think. In our fight or flight mode, we are designed to think and react on our feet, to avoid getting killed. Most stressful situations nowadays are not life-threatening so therefore we need to build in time to allow ourselves to get into a calmer state. Taking 5 minutes to breathe, meditate, walk in the fresh air, listen to loud music, will all break state and give us the perspective we often need.

4. Possibilities

Stressful situations often arrive out of something changing in our lives for example:

• The Government announced a return to work date, I’m not ready!
• My mother is unwell, how will I cope?
• My boss is leaving, what do I not know?!
• My marriage is not doing well, how do I manage this with the kids and work.
• I have a new boss and she doesn’t like me.

All the above are situations that any of us can be faced with. I recommend listing out all the possible scenarios that could be involved.

5. Opportunities

Often a stressful situation will present some opportunities if we change our outlook. Let’s look at the same scenarios, adding in some flavour in the form of opportunity:

The Government announced a return to work date, I’m not ready!

This allows us to assess our work /home life and truly decide what are our non-negotiables are since the pandemic and working from home. The reality is we all went to the office before so we know we can do it again HOWEVER we now know a new world, that gives us time to exercise, manage the school runs and still get to our desks on time. Having a “Government Return Date” allows us to speak with our employers, to understand their plans. You might find out that they were waiting on direction also. They have a very reasonable hybrid plan to roll out. The key here is that you take the opportunity to assess what you want and don’t want. Also, to find out what is going to happen and review in a calm state against your non-negotiables.

My mother is unwell, how will I cope?

It’s a blessing in disguise when we get a diagnosis for an ageing parent. It allows us to take precious time with them. It often only takes a few small adjustments to our schedule to attend to their needs. It gives us the chance to show how important they are to us!

My boss is leaving, what do I not know?!

It turns out he has been unhappy for a long time, he has decided to follow his dreams to become a writer full time. He has recommended you as his successor! You have the opportunity for a promotion.

My marriage is not doing well, how do I manage this with the kids and work?!

Again, another blessing in disguise to get an opportunity to work on this relationship. Remove the stress by taking your power back, talk to a professional, such as a Relationship Coach who will have come across many of the issues you are facing before. A problem shared is a problem halved and your marriage could be better than it was before with new communications techniques and tools.

I have a new boss and she doesn’t like me.

Did you make your mind up on that yourself? What are your reasons? Has she had higher expectations? Could this be an opportunity to raise your performance? All of these questions present opportunities. A new boss can be challenging but it is a relationship worth exploring to get to the best ways of working together. If they are new to the role and/ or company, this is your opportunity to shine!

6. New outlook

After following the steps so far, how lighter do we feel? Changing our outlook is often all we need to do. If we had to fast forward any of the steps it would be to this one. Our outlook is everything. Flip the negative to positive. Address what actions need to happen.

7. Decide your next steps

Being able to make a decision gives a sense of power and being in control. Overreacting gets us to a decision quickly however it rarely is a decision we would have made with our rational brain. When we take time to breathe, consider all options and come to a decision, 99% of the time it will have the right outcome.

Don’t Go It Alone!

Even with the right tools such as my RESPOND Model, sometimes we all need a little help.

I am a Personal Development and Relationship Coach with many years of supporting managers and employees through conflict and stressful relationships. Equally, I have many years of supporting myself and clients face their stressful situations with a plan of action.

If you are going through a difficult time, please reach out to me for a FREE Introductory Consultation https://satreecoaching.ie/consultation-enquiry/

To find out more about me and the services I offer, please have a look around my website:https://satreecoaching.ie/about/

Sarah G